Ninja Beau

Our phone conversations go like this:

Beau: "HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII AUNT BITCHETTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!"

Bitchet: "Hi, Beau Beau!"

Silence......

Bitchet: "Meow Meow Meow"

Beau: "GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"

Bitchet: "Ooh ooh ohh eee eee eee"

Beau: (Laughing) "Oink Oink Oink"

Bitchet: "mooooo moooo mooo"

Beau: (Laughing Hysterically) "arf arf arf"

Bitchet: "Cock-a-doodle-dooo"

Beau: (Yells something only him and the wild beasts at the zoo can understand and then screams) BYYYYEEEEEEE and hangs up on me!

And this, my friends, is why I so thoroughly enjoy my Ninja Beau!

Happy Birthday! I love you and miss you so much!!

Someone Call A Nurse, I Just Kicked This Radio Guys Ass

While driving home from work this morning I was listening to some talk radio morning show. They were discussing "Extended Breastfeeding" which apparently is when mothers nurse their children beyond their second birthday. The main points these male radio hosts were making were completely asinine:

1. Mothers who nurse their four or five year old children are sexual abusers.
2. It should be illegal to nurse a child after their third birthday.
3. Nursing a baby is a sexual turn-on for mothers.

I couldn't believe what I was listening to and then they were taking calls from other men who were agreeing with their completely fucked up point-of-view.

I never nursed my Marbles. It just wasn't something I wanted to do and do I think it's a bit odd when a toddler is nursing? Sure... but there are also children at three or four that still have pacifiers and carry around bottles. It's an oral fixation/security/comfort thing. I couldn't believe these men were attributing nursing to sexual abuse.

To any mothers out there that have nursed their children, did you ever notice any type of discrimination or receive looks from people when you were feeding your child?

What do you think about children who are nursed into their toddler years? I just think it's the same as a toddler having a pacifier or bottle, you just need to ween them off!

Now You Got Mama Mad

Blue Marble had her yearly exam today. The visit started with a half hour wait in the waiting room which drives me completely nuts. If my appointment is at 10.25, I expect to be seen at that time or a few minutes later. My time is valuable. So waiting around in a doctors office with new moms is not only extremely annoying but it's also a room which gets no internet connection so my pocket PC was not a happy camper which in turn puts me in a shitty mood and then that rubs off on Blue Marble.

Once we get into the exam room the "nurse" girl starts going over Blue Marbles medical history. By now you know Blue Marble is not the healthiest of all beings. She's the one who always ends up with the ridiculously strange medical ailments. But, she's a tough girl which brings me to the point of this post.

The doctor finally moseys into the room and begins talking to me about Blue Marbles weight. She is 68 pounds/49 inches. She is rock solid. She is built like an Olympic Swimmer. Completely Solid! If you ran into her on the playground, you'd fall down. Get it?? Well, apparently the doctor doesn't think so because she proceeded to tell me that Blue Marble is overweight. And here is how she put it to me, she said, "Now adays it's more common for girls to be thin and while Blue Marble isn't obese she definitely isn't thin like how we are seeing the girls today." Ummmmmmmmmm?????? It took everything I had not to stand up out of my chair, wrap my hands around the doctors neck and snap it in half.

Girls are skinny now-a-days???? For real!!!???? Aren't we supposed to raise our children to love the bodies they're born with and not try to get them to fit some fantasy mold??? I was pissed. I proceeded to explain to the doctor that Blue Marble is build exactly like I was built when I was younger and I never had issues with weight until after I had children and I'll be god damned if i tell any of my Marbles that because what they see on TV or in books or magazines is how their bodies should look.

I was just at a waterpark yesterday and let me tell you.......most of the little girls i saw there had bodies like my Marbles and the ones that didn't were Yellow Marbles age so that woman can take her weight philosophy and shove up her fucking ass.

Then she wanted Blue Marble to get a booster for the chicken pox vaccine. Those of you who have kids know that when they go to the doctor it's best to prepare them ahead of time for a shot. Blue Marble was not having it and with her determined, head strong personality if i wanted the rest of the appointment to go well, i would need to work someone of my mom magic and figure out this shot issue. First, I haven't heard of the chicken pox booster and I am not going to let them ram some needle into my Marbles arm before i've had the chance to research it. So I told the doctor I needed time to research this new booster and that if i felt it was necessary for my Marble to have it I would make an appointment to come back and have it done. The doctor acted like I was some freak who didn't believe in vaccinations and told me that I need to stay up to date on the CDC website. Yea, sure... I'm right on top of that.

To sum up this shitty experience at the doctor, I have to say that I have learned that when there are several doctors in the practice, make sure you go to the ones that aren't in their 80's, wear clothes from the 50's, and have a mentality from when they first began practicing children's medicine!

Being a Mama!

Yesterday I celebrated Mother's Day at the waterpark with the family. I enjoyed watching countless women cram their flabby selves into string bikinis and walk about like the owned the joint. And you know what I say, "More power to 'em!" I wouldn't be caught dead in a bikini, let alone a traditional bathing suit, but these ladies seemed to think that had the bodies to rock the suits they were wearing!!!

Going down a waterslide is an exciting adventure. Climbing nine flights of stairs to achieve that adventure is something I'll do once or twice and then I've had enough. Why can't they make escalators to carry your ass up to the top of the slide???

Mental note: Next time you go to the waterpark... put sunblock on your face!!!!

OUCH!!!!

Happy Mother's Day, Wobega

To Pink Marble, There's No Gift About It

My Pink Marble is extremely intelligent. I am not just saying that because I am her mother either. She is, by far, one of the most talented children I have ever known. In her short school career so far she has earned several awards and have been on the straight A Honor Roll.

Last week I found out that Anna had her test for the gifted program at school and completely bombed the test. The administrator of the test was baffled as to why she did so poorly. So the other day I asked her if she had her test (acting like i didn't know the results) and she said she did. Then I asked her how she did on it and she told me she didn't know..... So i said, "Well they said you didn't score well enough to be placed in gifted." And her response was.....

"Well, I gave the wrong answers because I don't want to be gifted."

Ummmm... Ok..... It's not like be labeled gifted is a bad thing... it's not like they said she's being tested to see if she has warts on her face.

So when I asked her why she doesn't want to be "gifted" she replied, "I will get scholarships for U of M even if I am not in that dumb program." Umm.. she's in 2nd Grade and already talking about college scholarships. She followed that statement with, "And anyway, I am student teacher in my class." When asked what that meant, she told me that during Math she goes up to the board and helps the other kids in her class with their math problems because math is, "soooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy".

For Lack of Anything Better To Say

No sense in posting another gripe about my f'ed up area here in Florida....instead, I will answer these questions sent via email to me from Sash!

A) Four places I go over and over:  The refrigerator, the pantry, my bedroom, Marbles school

B) Four people who e-mail me (regularly): August, Sash, Viagra Spam, Proflowers (seriously, what's
with all the spam lately?)

C) Four of my favorite places to eat: PF Changs (the one at Somerset with my girlfriends), Jason's Deli
(because you get free ice cream), Wendy's ( i love me some Wendy's french fries!) and at home late
at night by my computer.

D) Four places I would rather be right now: Laughing with August, Sash and Dana while people
watching in Royal Oak, sitting in Bethanie's kitchen with Wobega and the kids laughing about
Bethanie's new job, in Chicago trying on cute clothes that actually fit me because I've lost 50
pounds and have had a tummy tuck, with the Marbles and TGIM on a vacation that is relaxing for TGIM,
loaded with animals for the Marbles and is in a cool city for me.

E) Four people I think will respond to this: No one because they all emailed their responses...but if
you want to play along just add yours to the comments or post it on your blog and send me the link.

F) Four TV shows I watch over and over: Well, I was watching Rock of Love but it ended, House
Hunters is a good show to watch.  I have that show on my DVR to record whenever a new one
comes on.  I watch Dr. Phil, Oprah and Ellen if they have something good on.  So we will just count it
as one in the Talk Show Category.  And, once it starts I will be watching So You Think You Can Dance.

G)  Four Website you visit on a regular basis:  Perez Hilton, August and Sash's Blog, my bank website,
Myspace

So.... that's it... be prepared to hear more bitching tomorrow.

As If I Needed Another Reason

One of my favorite things to do on any given day is get the mail. Not that there is ever anything good in my mailbox but once in a blue moon I get a surprise. Like a few weeks ago when I overpayed my copay at the doctors office and they reimbursed me $76.14. YESSS!

Today, though....Not so good news in the mail. As if i needed another reason to despise my current living situation, I get a letter in the mail from the Florida Department of Law Enforcement. At first I thought that it was something to do with me being affiliated with them since I work for law enforcement. But, no... they were sending me a notice of a sex offender that move in "within 1/4 of a mile from your home". I looked at the address and didn't recognize the street because around here we don't live on streets like Riverside Drive or Mulberry St. It's more like SW 18th Ave, SW 18th Place, SE 32rd St and stuff like that. So, I go on mapquest to find that the sex offender lives DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET FROM ME on the intersecting street!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ummmmmmm???? WTF?????


These people moved in a few months ago and the house was completely ghetto. They put in all new landscaping and gutted the whole inside. TGIM and I thought it was nice that these people fixed up the house. Come to find out, Chester the Molester has moved in!!!!! And I thought it odd when I noticed they installed security camera's on the exterior of their home, but now I am wondering if they did that so they can watch my Marbles when they play outside or monitor who is around their house. Very Very STRANGE!!!!!

Backyard Parking Lot

There is this house that is behind me that, when we first moved in, was still in the process of being built. Being the nosey neighbor that I am, I peeked through the windows on several occasions to check its progress. The home is gorgeous on the inside. It has lots of architectural detail and neat designer touches like mosaic in the foyer tile, built-ins and coved ceilings. I was sure the people who were going to be moving into this gem of a house were going to be tidy people who respected their home and the homes around them.

Well......so much for that. Perhaps, if I didn't live in an area that is saturated with people of another culture, I might have gotten lucky and gotten some good neighbors. However, instead, I ended up with the family with nine kids and the dad that drives the flatbed tow truck and finds it necessary to park his junk cars in the backyard. And what's even better, is that this family also never uses their driveway, instead they pull their cars up to the back of their house, right up under the lanai.

I have thought about going over there and explaining to them that here in America we have driveways and they are to be utilized for parking your vehicle. But, then i realized that I'd have a language barrier and I'd probably have to have their six year old daughter translate for me. So, instead, I keep my blinds closed so I don't have to look at the mess of shit they have in their yard.

In case you haven't noticed in the last few posts, I am very bitter about my current living situation. I have never once in my life thought of myself as a prejudice person, but I'm starting to feel like I am starting to prejudge certain people based solely on the experiences I have had with other people like them in the past. I hate that I am feeling this way and I wish there was something that could turn those feelings around, but unfortunately I think I am going to stay this way until I free myself from this boiling pit of hell.

Attention to Detail, People!!!

Yesterday while I was enjoying watching Oprah interview Tom Cruise a commercial came on from a local car dealership. This particular delearship always has cheesy commercials to try to get you on their lot to buy one of their fifty million cars.

The commercial that was on yesterday was about these bandits who were out to capture the superhero that was helping customers save money and get good deals on cars. The bandits had on tshirts that said, "No Warranty" "High Pressure Sales" and this guys shirt.....



Ummmmm......Notice something about the guys shirt??????????